These past few days, or weeks, or whatever unit of time have been really trying. I understand that Lisha is going through lots of stress right now, but will it continue to be like that? What happens when class starts? When there are more parties to go to? When she meets new friends and goes to hang out with them? When finals come around? When she gets an internship? A job? I mean, I certainly don't want to deny those things from her - they're GOOD things, but I'm worried about us. I don't know if I can take that - waiting online for her to come online, then when she does wait some more for her to finish something, then wait some more while she browses internet and the only time she actually speaks to me is to say "hi" and "goodbye." It's a really depressing routine. I hope it's temporary. I know to an extent that some of that reluctance to talk to me stems from my neglect of her in the past. She's in the habit of shutting me out. I can tell when she's online looking up devart, reading news, reading livejournal, browsing facebook, checking email - her "free time" is dedicated to those things when she could be talking to me. I wonder if this is the case for all people who IM her. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions and make assumptions, and I'm not - I'm just considering the possibilities. I'm different. I can imagine when I IM her she takes her time to respond to me, but when someone else IMs her it's different. That other person might not IM her all the time so she'll respond with more alacrity. Or maybe that other person is someone she's actually interested in talking to. It's really depressing to be ruminating on this subject - and it's really been eating away at my social life. I refused to go out on several occasions with my friends because I wanted to wait for Lisha, or continue talking with her. Now people have stopped contacting me. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Should I be worrying about this? Should I just let go and let her do her own thing and not sit at home and wait on her? Am I being too needy? It's hard to look at this situation objectively when I'm right in the middle of it. I wish I knew what to do. Is it selfish of me to be doing this? Am I just chasing after her to satisfy my loneliness? She's suggested this to me before, and it's certainly possible. But I could be unlonely if I choose to. I have friends who are willing to go out with me. There events I can go to, things I can do, but I make the conscious choice to not partake in those events and instead wait for her. So I have other means of satisfying my loneliness and I choose not to, so it couldn't be out of loneliness. Is what I'm doing selfish? I guess it is to an extent. I'm demanding too much of her. She has a full schedule and I want her to talk to me constantly on top of that. I guess I have to adjust to not being #1 on her list of priorities. Sure, it hurts. I feel like I've been demoted, cast aside, like an old toy that isn't interesting anymore. But I think a more apt analogy would be a toy cast away when the kid has to finish homework. There are other circumstances that must take precedence over playtime. Nothing can be #1 all the time - there must be exceptions. And I have to accept that. Why do I do this to myself? I must be a pretty sick person to just sit at home all day waiting for someone who may or may not talk to me. Attachment? I guess that's the logical answer - I'm too attached to her. This is random insert, I kind of hope you don't read this - that's why there aren't paragraphs. The reason is that these thoughts are really raw, and not fully developed. There might something I wrote in here that I actually don't really believe, but I promised you I'd be open and this is part of that promise. I'm writing down these thoughts as they come into my mind - nothing is censored. tell me if you read that. But that attachment isn't based on loneliness, it's based on love. Honestly, I don't really mind waiting for her. I could wait all day if I were guaranteed to talk to her for five minutes. Hell, I'd wait a week for that. So why am I so depressed by this? That's what I want to find out - it's what I hope to learn by writing all this down. OK I just reread tonight's conversation I had with her. In the afternoon she told she was going to leave to get breakfast, but this was 5pm for her so I'm guessing she meant dinner. Anyway, it took 7 hrs for her to come back lol. So yeah when she signed on again there was abundant dialogue but then when she had to check her email or get something done there was a pause. When she got back (stipulated by the word, "back") she began doing other stuff (presumably reading her friend's post on hurricane katrina, which wasn't really that interesting if i read the correct entry.) So yeah that went on for about an hour and finally she said, "i'm sleeping." and she had to go. I guess I can't expect too much from her. She's tired and busy - she gets back at like 1am in the morning the reasonable thing to do is sleep. My conclusion is this. I'm sad that this is the situation we're in, but there's not much either of us can do about it. When I pictured a LDR it was something like this. All I can do is to try my best to support her and give her all the room she needs, even though that is really difficult for me to do right now because of my attachment to her. Nevertheless, I will continue to try.